To Our Son, Kai.

In the months leading up to me knowing that I was pregnant with you, I thought a lot about if I would be a good mother. A friend of mine said that is what would actually make me a great one.

Questioning yourself to a degree is OK, but I hope that you learn quickly that you shouldn’t waste too much time doing this. It took me 31 years to learn how to have confidence in my decisions. I hope it doesn’t take you anywhere near as long.

This wasn’t my first pregnancy, but you were my first planned one. Before you, I just wasn’t ready to be a mom. I could have done it, yes, but the results would have been different.

What I will be able to offer you was never on the table before. Now, everything that I could ever hope to offer is on display.

Our journey together won’t always be easy, I know this, but at least I can offer you a stable home, a father that wants you and is so excited to be with you, and most importantly, I can offer you a version of me that I always wanted to be.

I think now, you will be proud to have me as your mother.

Sadly you will be born into a time and a country that is debating a woman’s right to choosing her own destiny. We will talk about this a lot when you are here (once you can actually speak of course) because you will need to understand these things, and educate yourself on a deeper level before voicing your opinion to the rest of the world. You will learn that a large swathe of the human population does not do this and I will do my best to ensure that you do not join their ranks.

I will be honest, when I first found out that I was pregnant, I was hoping for a girl. I am sure you will use this against me in our future arguments, but hear me out first. I was looking forward to seeing you grow up with the “daddy-daughter” bond that everyone so often talks about. I had it and I wanted to see you have it with your father. I wanted to raise a feminist who knew her power in the world.

But then I realized that I was being stupid: It is just as important — if not a tad more — to raise men who are just as aware of the Eurocentric patriarchal society that they live in and how to deconstruct its hold on us. You will be fully versed in all of this by a young age, I assure you. What you do with it will depend on you, of course, but I hope that you become an ally for those who don’t have the same privilege as you.

And as far as a close bond with your father, you are called “Kai” for a reason. You will be bound to the ocean, just as both your father and I are and there is no greater connecting force than that.

You will have more privilege at birth than a large portion of humanity existing today. You will have more privilege than I could have dreamed of when I was a child. I will do my best to teach you how to use this privilege for good and to never take it for granted. You will get tired of me telling you about your privilege, but you will thank me later.

You wont know much about my childhood, except for the stories that I tell you, because my childhood doesn’t exist anymore. It has been sold off to others who have dreams of living a similar life. I will tell you, it was a beautiful and unique one for the most part, and a gift of perspective that I hope to pass down to you.

Because what I had as a child no longer exists for me to offer to you, I promise to make you something that is just as special. You won’t be growing up with a white picket fence. You will see the world and know that the world is a much bigger place than the island that you will be born on.

You will be exposed to varied languages and cultures so that you learn that you hold no superiority over any “other.”

In this place that we will call home for at least a little while, you will be exposed to some of the wealthiest people this country has to offer. You will also be exposed to some of the biggest bullshitters in the world. Your father will teach you that not all that glitters is gold. I will teach you the nuances of dealing with such bullshit.

This is all based on the assumption that in a couple of months from now, you will be born healthy and alive. It is a big assumption to make since so much can happen between now and then.

But for the first time in my life, I have faith. Ever since you have been in my belly, I have had more confidence in life and that things will be OK. So far, you have been rather easy to lug around, minus the 26 pounds of added weight.

You will be born to two parents who aren’t perfect, but through many trials and tribulations including two failed previous marriages, found each other and have so far been able to prove to the world that destiny sometimes does exist.

You will grow up knowing what true love is, which hopefully will inspire you to find a true love of your own, whenever the time is right and with whomever that may be.

We will fuck up with you, I am sure, but we have lived enough to learn from a lot of our mistakes, and are humbled by those learning experiences because that is the only way that you really learn.

We wont try to be perfect with you, but we will be honest.

Whatever and whoever you decide to be, I promise that we will be there for you. I am excited to meet you. Honestly, you are the weirdest relationship that I have ever had, because I know nothing about you, and yet, you are inside of me, eating all the chocolate that I feed you and moving around as if you are trying to bust your way out of my stomach.

I am sure that we will get along, whoever you are.

Until then.